Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Things I think in my head when I'm in a food store!

About twice a week, my mother takes her weekly trip to the food store. Sometimes I like to go along, because you can actually have a lot of fun in a food store if you think about it. I run In the store, grab one of the little hand scanners and run towards the first isle. Usually we start by the pharmacy side and by the time I pass the little flower store on the way, my mind is filled with a million thoughts...
-Okay I am sorry but if you're that overweight, and your shopping cart is overflowing or you're starting your second cart, and most of it is filled with donuts and yodels, it doesn't seem like such a great combo to me!
-Then I usually stop by the card isle and open all the singing cards. I love when their especially loud and the old lady shopping next to you looks up at the ceiling to try and figure out what the noise is....so confused.
-Sometimes when I shop I take my moms phone and pose with all the fun foods throughout the store and take pictures with them. Most people look at me thinking there is something wrong, and mom usually walks away swiftly acting like she isn't related to me. Personally, I think it's hilarious!
-I love to lounge in the toilet paper and paper towels. Even though I don't fit that well on the shelves anymore, I try my best to squeeze.
-Then we get to the yogurt isle. My mom takes her time picking out all the yogurts while I try to pronounce all the different yogurt names. How was I supposed to know it's not pronounced YOPLAT! Seriously "Yoplait" what kind of name is that?!
-Next comes the biggggg open isle with the eggs and milk that stretches all the way down to the deli. I'm not a big fan of this isle because usually it's very congested and I can't dance to the background music or take pictures. (Sometimes I do anyway)
-Your lucky if you don't get hit and/or stuck behind an old person. I mean I understand your muscles are a little ripe and old but basically your cart acts like a walker. IT SHOULD HELP YOU, NOT SLOW YOU DOWN! Then you have to wait for them to move, and when you try and sneak around them, they move to that side and vice versa.
-Usually you see the kids in those little red car carts neing pushed around. I am so jealous. I wish I could still fit in one and just relax in my little red car while mom shops. Sometimes I get really lucky and I can sit in the cart. The bad part is,I get covered with all our food! Then my mom goes "I hope someone you know see's you in the cart, so you get embarassed for sitting in their when you 14!"
-Another favorite is the shampoo isle. I like to read all the little jokes and questions on the back of herbal essences bottles. I always find the shampoo and then run around looking for the conditioner.
-Usually down this isle is the big posters of all the happy smiling families. You realize how nice they look until you slowly glance down at the sharpie drawn mustache and uni brow someone drew!
-Then there's the meat and the fish isle. I think I'm gonna be an agnus/angus beef seller/chopper. I've always wanted to wear one of those white coats.
- Another personal favorite is the lobster tank. Because right above it theirs a manikin dressed in a huge yellow coat and boots with a net. You just have to laugh.
-Andd right about the next few isles, you usually run into somebody you know. You just try so hard for them not to see you, but some how they manage to catch you right as your leaving the isle. Then they start a conversation in the middle of the isle. You try and move your cart slowly further away but they just keep on talking. Eventually you're half way across the food store and the other person is still yelling. By now every one's staring at!
- Next is the deli. Mom orders half a pound of boars head yellow and turkey. I wait for it while she looks for something else. When no one is looking I press the big red line counter and wait for my number to come. It never works! So I keep pressing it and then 400 numbers come out. Then I realize I have numbers 28-50 and the guy is calling my number. I slowly stick them in my pocket and walk away.
-Then we get to the fruit isle. I love to weigh all the fruit and print the stickers out.
-Then I get to the vegetables under the sprinkler things. Every time I pass it, the water always goes off!!!! It's like they have it on a timer so that when I enter the food store it goes off!
-Another FAV of mine is the little green tabs you're supposed to use to tie your bags with. I just take like 30 and make things out of them.
-Coming up on your left (depending on where you entered) is the FAVORITE of all my FAVS- THE BAKERY! Even though I know every single cake they can make for you I still look through the book anyway. Then I peer over the counter to see if there is any samplers I can take. This past Sunday they had Chocolate cake!
-Then theirs the dunkin donuts. I usually take $1.00 from my mother and buy one marbled donut. They are each 99 cents so I always get one penny back. Sometimes I put it in their tip bowl because I feel bad.
-Around here there is another manikin dressed in a "Friends don't let friends drink Starbucks." He's wearing a hat and pajama pants and he always scares me when I walk in thinking there is some hideous man dressed an a very odd outfit.
-Then Our journey is almost over as we slowly reach the check out isle. These days you just have to scan a little code with your hand scanner and your done.
-By now I know most of the cashiers, and their names too. They never look happy, I mean If had to bright yellow collared shirts I would be thrilled!
-Then while we wait in line I quick read all the people magazines that are in the racks. Then I realize mom had already paid and packed and is half way out the door. I'm just so engrossed with that gossip!
-Our cashier is always some bored aggravated teenager who hates his life and job. Their voice is always so enthusiastic. Or we get the one who knows our whole life, and we don't even know her! Then we realize weeks later she's our grandma's friend!
-I love to scan everything with the new little hand scanners. I always keep track of our savings and total cost and things that are on sale! Usually I get tuned out anyway so I don't know why I insist on reading them every time. Beep, Beep, Beep! That's all you hear throughout the store!
-One time I was casually walking down the isle and I noticed a "wet floor sign" I figured there was nothing really wet so I sciddled dooped around it! I have no clue how but mysteriously I went flying in the air and landing on but, finding myself laying in the middle of the baked goods isle with people smiling surrounding me!
-I forgot to mention the frozen food isle. I always open each door and write a message on it just saw I can brighten up the next persons life who buys waffles with drawings of emus.
-Finally our shopping trip is complete 3 hours later, and as we walk to the parking lot, you have to jump on the cart and ride it down to the car. Most likely I will get yelled at but then I quickly jump of with one foot making it look like I wasn't doing anything wrong!

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Things I think in my head about Halloween!

Despite the horrible rain once again this Saturday, My holiday turned out pretty well. Halloween is one of my favorite holidays not just because of the fun costumes, but the candy of course. I decided to dress myself as an old man, while my brother crossed to the more Hispanic side of and went as a taco. Even before Halloween starts my brain if filled with questions, thoughts and concerns...
-Are you seriously going to buy that costume
-Nice decorations
-Eww who gives out raisins
-Alright open up your lights are on, we know your home just open the door!
-"What are you supposed to be?" "A pop star!" Geeze for the fifth year in a row!
-Then you always get to the one house that gives out the best stuff, but by the time you get there, the kid in front of you gets the last one. and the house only made enough for that many.
-OR threes the house that has the old man or woman answer the door and the house always smells funky.
-Then you get to the one who you didn't even know lived on you block and its some foreign family that has a weird accent so you can't understand them and they always ask "oo look how many children there are, hold on let me count so I can get the candy." Five minutes later "oo I'm back here's the candy, oops i forgot let me go get some more for you. And by the time he comes back your alone at the door and don't even want the candy!
-Why not go to stop and shop or Costco get five bags for a buck dump it into a bowl and answer the door then let each one take a piece and say trick or treat. Or you can make it harder for yourself.
-Or my favorite house (Mom you know a.k.a squidward) who this year came to the door with her video camera to video tape us and take pictures of us asking for candy!
-And there goes the princess, the banana, a pirate and scream walking up the street. Haven't seen those costumes in a while!
-then the candy bowls that have the hands that grabs your and scares you to death, so the guy that's handing out the candy can watch and laugh when you scream and make a fool out of yourself!
-WOAHH, look guys there giving out prizes instead of candy, a kaleidoscope! (really happened)
-My personally favorite my neighbor asking the lady who answers the door "mmm your house smells like soup and roast beef" The lady makes a weird face and answers well I do have to feed my kids too, would you rather have that then this candy?" she says only as a joke. "WELL YEAH!" he yells.... good times, good times
-And my neighbors house who gives out the best. The KING sized candy bars! SCORE!
~~~Boy, do I love Halloween!~~~

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Things I think in my head about people who shop at Petsmart

Well the other day we had to go drop of my dog at PETSMART to get a haircut. I have been to that store many times and never really thought about how many people are so crazy about their animals. I  am not making fun of anyone but if you need to shop with your dog in a green polka-dotted stroller there may be a few slight problems. I walked in and saw some really interesting things that's when my head became filled with thoughts...
-I didn't know this many people were this crazy about their dogs.
-Is it Pet Smart or Pets Mart?
-Are you seriously pushing your dog in a stroller, it has four legs you know.
-Hey mom, can we get Rudy a hot pink sparkly vest?
-Harley Davidson boots for a dog, you've got to be kidding me.
-(we walk into the grooming place) hey look nail polish for dogs hey Rudy want a pedicure.
-Then we saw this Little Yorkie who was getting groomed, he looked miserable and his face was really funny, he was almost asking me to help him.
-Your dog does not need a barbie princess Halloween costume its a boy you know!
-Uggs for dogs in every color... someone needs help
-Poor cats in the window will someone buy them already.
-Wow your desperate for friends, while there is  a guy having a full out conversation about his weekend with his dog. 
-How many times do I have to say it, THEY WON'T ANSWER BACK!
-I think Rudy needs a hammock and a stroller too.
- Want a matching robe and slippers for your dog!?
-Sunglasses and Goggles for the pool for your dog, there called DOGGLES!
-Hawaiian board shorts for your dog.
-Halloween wigs!
-Then the best part of the whole trip, a lady is pushing her dog down the isle in a dog stroller and trying on clothes for it! Wait gets better, shes waiting in line behind us and starts yelling at her dog to sit. You'll never guess what his name was...MICKEY the same as my brother. Then she buys a mickey mouse costume for her dog who she talking too.. "Mickey sit, sit Mickey, good boy as my brother is in the store buying a fish and this poor dog "Mickey" is stuck in a green floral stroller trying on Halloween costumes. PRICELESS!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Things I think in my head about Satan!

My mom always told me that there was no such thing as satan, and I believed her. Well this spring it all changed and SHE WAS WRONG! There is such thing as satan, and guess what lucky me she is on my lacrosse team! As soon as I saw her walk on the field, I swear I didn't think my life could get any worse!

-Why can't you play another sport that I don't do!
-What are you wearing, were running you know!
-What the heck am I going to do now.
-Leave please!
-OKAY lady if your gonna talk about me and say that I cant play you've got to be kidding me!
-Don't sit in front of me your hair is too big then I won't be able to see!
-Talk about The hair...can't you put it up in a headband or a ponytail even!
-ugh I say as I compare my soccer shorts and Bella mozzarella t-shirt to her hot pink and black matching tight tank top with matching shorts and earrings and EYE SHADOW! Freak
-Shut up your gonna get us in trouble...wait you already did!
-Can it be SATAN?!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Things I think in my head about my soccer coach

Over last summer, I tried out for a traveling soccer team. Well that was a big mistake. It looked fun and the coach seemed nice. Well that all changed this year. He wasn't the coach I thought he was at first, so let's refer to him as Coach J. Coach J if your reading this i hope you become offended. I'm not trying to be mean but I think you deserve a little embarrassment since you hurt me so you wouldn't be embarrassed if front of the other girls. Please Coach, sit back relax and be embarrassed for once in your life. As soon as I heard what had happened with this "team" I just had so many thoughts in my head...
-What a jerk
-He's really that embarrassed that someone (me) actually stood up for themselves and quit your team.
-Why are you a soccer coach anyway? Wait why are you a coach!
- Why won't he just stop with his stupid childish (is that a word) excuses and act like a grown man already?!
-Soccer is soooo not your sport dude!
- If he ever tries to apologize to me he'll be sorry!
-Him and his daughter should just..... (I'm sorry i was trying to contain my fists)
-Find another job please it will be better for all of us!
-By the way coach every other girl on this "team" of yours if that's what your going to call it wants to quit and they all think your mean, and they all now the truth! So just do us all a favor please!!!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Things I think in my head about Slankets!

Well for a little while now snuggies/slankets have been pretty popular. And of course I had to have one! SO for christmas My wonderful aunt Michelle DeGrace bought me one! I was so excited to have it and as soon as i saw it  in the plastic my brain was filling up with wonderful thoughts of everything i could do with my new ROYAL Blue slanket!
-Can I take a shower with it?
-Would it be weird if i went to school wearing it?
-Come on Rudy let's for a walk in my slannnkettt!(I like to exagerate the word slanket its so fun to say!)
-These are definitley going to be the new style!
-Can i wear this in public?
-Would Shannon mind if I wore it to her games?
-All it needs is a built in potty and really wouldn't be cold! (You know how sometimes feel a breeze?)
-Would people think I'm weird if I you know walked around town in it?
-All they need is to have you be able to get the fitted and customized!!!
-Even though it's a little odd and weird looking you don't think anyone would mind around wearing it, I mean who cares they don't have to wear it if they don't want to!
-They should really make one water proof for the pool,shower,and any other bodies of water!!!
-Whats up with the back if it was closed in the back you would never get a breeze through the back door, and no one wants that!
-Boy I really gotta thank shell! Maybe I'll get her one too!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Things I think in my head when I have BRACES!

2 Wednesdays ago (the 28) was the BIG day. Also i should probably mention i had pink eye in both eyes too that day! I was finally fixing my gnarly teeth with braces!  I has a stomach ache all morning and when I walked in the Orthodontists office, BOY DID MY THOUGHTS START CHURNING! (Does that make sense?)
(While we are in the waiting room)
-Ohh god is it gonna hurt, man OH man! :(
- Boy is this sal tropin (stuff that dries up your spit) making me feel gassy! Wait isn't it supposed to dry up my SPIT!
-OO crap will i have to be on that "Perfect Smile Board" for everyone to see while they waitt! 
(I enter the room)
-EWW what kind of flavors are these are you kidding mee!
-Take this metal tray out of my mouth already DON'T YOU KNOW IT DOESN'T FIT!
-Whatever i guess that Fake bubble gum flavor will have to do for now!
-What is this gooey drippy stuff oozing all over my tongue!
-Great everyone is gonna call me brace face now!
(I finally sit in the chair to put the stupid braces on finally)
-Boy i can fall asleep
-Lady i know you need to reach far into my mouth but really does your chesticals need to be in my face!
-OWW OWW if i flinch it means take the DARN thing out of my mouth!
-Alright were finally past the hardd part.. OOH COME ONN I THOUGHT WE WERE DONE!
-EW.. EWWW....EWWW this takes like @#!$!
-I would rather eat anything but this glue, wait is this toxic!
-Ohh I hope my hair looks okayy! Is anyone watching
-HMM what colors should i pick??
-OO boy here comes the plastic cheek squeezer/spreader/pain opener/ (its the thing they keep your mouth open with i think its a separator!)
-STOP yelling at me i know my tongue is in the way i have bad muscle control geezee!
-OOK there done right oorr nott!
-Whatt are those pliers forr!
(I walk out the door finally and get in the car to go home)
-OWW OWWW OWW, ohh boy braces and pink eye well at least it will keep my mind of of my teeth for a little bit!