Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Things I think in my head when I'm in a food store!

About twice a week, my mother takes her weekly trip to the food store. Sometimes I like to go along, because you can actually have a lot of fun in a food store if you think about it. I run In the store, grab one of the little hand scanners and run towards the first isle. Usually we start by the pharmacy side and by the time I pass the little flower store on the way, my mind is filled with a million thoughts...
-Okay I am sorry but if you're that overweight, and your shopping cart is overflowing or you're starting your second cart, and most of it is filled with donuts and yodels, it doesn't seem like such a great combo to me!
-Then I usually stop by the card isle and open all the singing cards. I love when their especially loud and the old lady shopping next to you looks up at the ceiling to try and figure out what the noise is....so confused.
-Sometimes when I shop I take my moms phone and pose with all the fun foods throughout the store and take pictures with them. Most people look at me thinking there is something wrong, and mom usually walks away swiftly acting like she isn't related to me. Personally, I think it's hilarious!
-I love to lounge in the toilet paper and paper towels. Even though I don't fit that well on the shelves anymore, I try my best to squeeze.
-Then we get to the yogurt isle. My mom takes her time picking out all the yogurts while I try to pronounce all the different yogurt names. How was I supposed to know it's not pronounced YOPLAT! Seriously "Yoplait" what kind of name is that?!
-Next comes the biggggg open isle with the eggs and milk that stretches all the way down to the deli. I'm not a big fan of this isle because usually it's very congested and I can't dance to the background music or take pictures. (Sometimes I do anyway)
-Your lucky if you don't get hit and/or stuck behind an old person. I mean I understand your muscles are a little ripe and old but basically your cart acts like a walker. IT SHOULD HELP YOU, NOT SLOW YOU DOWN! Then you have to wait for them to move, and when you try and sneak around them, they move to that side and vice versa.
-Usually you see the kids in those little red car carts neing pushed around. I am so jealous. I wish I could still fit in one and just relax in my little red car while mom shops. Sometimes I get really lucky and I can sit in the cart. The bad part is,I get covered with all our food! Then my mom goes "I hope someone you know see's you in the cart, so you get embarassed for sitting in their when you 14!"
-Another favorite is the shampoo isle. I like to read all the little jokes and questions on the back of herbal essences bottles. I always find the shampoo and then run around looking for the conditioner.
-Usually down this isle is the big posters of all the happy smiling families. You realize how nice they look until you slowly glance down at the sharpie drawn mustache and uni brow someone drew!
-Then there's the meat and the fish isle. I think I'm gonna be an agnus/angus beef seller/chopper. I've always wanted to wear one of those white coats.
- Another personal favorite is the lobster tank. Because right above it theirs a manikin dressed in a huge yellow coat and boots with a net. You just have to laugh.
-Andd right about the next few isles, you usually run into somebody you know. You just try so hard for them not to see you, but some how they manage to catch you right as your leaving the isle. Then they start a conversation in the middle of the isle. You try and move your cart slowly further away but they just keep on talking. Eventually you're half way across the food store and the other person is still yelling. By now every one's staring at!
- Next is the deli. Mom orders half a pound of boars head yellow and turkey. I wait for it while she looks for something else. When no one is looking I press the big red line counter and wait for my number to come. It never works! So I keep pressing it and then 400 numbers come out. Then I realize I have numbers 28-50 and the guy is calling my number. I slowly stick them in my pocket and walk away.
-Then we get to the fruit isle. I love to weigh all the fruit and print the stickers out.
-Then I get to the vegetables under the sprinkler things. Every time I pass it, the water always goes off!!!! It's like they have it on a timer so that when I enter the food store it goes off!
-Another FAV of mine is the little green tabs you're supposed to use to tie your bags with. I just take like 30 and make things out of them.
-Coming up on your left (depending on where you entered) is the FAVORITE of all my FAVS- THE BAKERY! Even though I know every single cake they can make for you I still look through the book anyway. Then I peer over the counter to see if there is any samplers I can take. This past Sunday they had Chocolate cake!
-Then theirs the dunkin donuts. I usually take $1.00 from my mother and buy one marbled donut. They are each 99 cents so I always get one penny back. Sometimes I put it in their tip bowl because I feel bad.
-Around here there is another manikin dressed in a "Friends don't let friends drink Starbucks." He's wearing a hat and pajama pants and he always scares me when I walk in thinking there is some hideous man dressed an a very odd outfit.
-Then Our journey is almost over as we slowly reach the check out isle. These days you just have to scan a little code with your hand scanner and your done.
-By now I know most of the cashiers, and their names too. They never look happy, I mean If had to bright yellow collared shirts I would be thrilled!
-Then while we wait in line I quick read all the people magazines that are in the racks. Then I realize mom had already paid and packed and is half way out the door. I'm just so engrossed with that gossip!
-Our cashier is always some bored aggravated teenager who hates his life and job. Their voice is always so enthusiastic. Or we get the one who knows our whole life, and we don't even know her! Then we realize weeks later she's our grandma's friend!
-I love to scan everything with the new little hand scanners. I always keep track of our savings and total cost and things that are on sale! Usually I get tuned out anyway so I don't know why I insist on reading them every time. Beep, Beep, Beep! That's all you hear throughout the store!
-One time I was casually walking down the isle and I noticed a "wet floor sign" I figured there was nothing really wet so I sciddled dooped around it! I have no clue how but mysteriously I went flying in the air and landing on but, finding myself laying in the middle of the baked goods isle with people smiling surrounding me!
-I forgot to mention the frozen food isle. I always open each door and write a message on it just saw I can brighten up the next persons life who buys waffles with drawings of emus.
-Finally our shopping trip is complete 3 hours later, and as we walk to the parking lot, you have to jump on the cart and ride it down to the car. Most likely I will get yelled at but then I quickly jump of with one foot making it look like I wasn't doing anything wrong!

1 comment:

  1. Laney, you are so silly. Love to read your stories, you should take up writing. Keep them coming.

    Love Nana